1999 Cereal Kilurz
(7-7)

Team Notes and Weekly Recaps

Auction Recap: General Manager Mark Petrillo built the 1999 Cereal Kilurz team from the ground up today, putting together a group of players that he thinks not only will be strong in 1999, but one that may be the start of a Cereal Kilurz dynasty.  Led by veteran running backs Marshall Faulk and Dorsey Levens, wide receiver Antonio Freeman, and starting quarterback Steve McNair, Petrillo thinks the Kilurz will be tough to beat in 1999.  The second year GM is also happy with the team's potential for future years.  "The only problem I'm going to have is deciding who to keep next year.  When you have receivers Frank Sanders, Derrick Alexander, Sean Dawkins and Sean Jefferson signed for a combined $7, it's going to be tough to let them all go.  Then again, considering the contracts of our quarterbacks (McNair and Kitna were signed for $11 and $8 respectively), I have a feeling I'm going to want to keep at least one of them too.  Right now I'm focused on the 1999 season.  We can worry about contract extensions when the time comes."

McNair

Week 1: The Cereal Kilurz opened the 1999 EFFL season with a victory against the Kodiak Bears, winning 58-55. Quarterback Steve McNair (24) was given the game ball after leading the Kilurz to victory, throwing for 341 yards and 3 TDs, and rushing for an additional 27 yards and a TD.  Antonio Freeman (11) had 111 yards and a TD reception, and Minnesota's defense scored 9 points.  The Kilurz star running backs, Marshall Faulk (5) and Dorsey Levens (3) had relatively quiet weeks, but Coach Petrillo was impressed with their efforts.  "I thought the team looked great this week.  They guys really seem to have a natural chemistry between them.  I know I speak for the entire team when I say we're looking forward to the rest of the season."  When asked what he though about the opening day victory of the expansion team Kong, Coach Petrillo responded "Who?"

Harbaugh

9/19/99 Trade: After learning yesterday that Week 1 team MVP Steve McNair will miss the next 6 weeks after having back surgery today (ironically, it is the same surgery Jose Canseco had earlier this year), General Manager Mark Petrillo spent hours last night trying to find a healthy quarterback to start today against the Second Half Slide.  The Kilurz backup QB, John Kitna, has a sore right foot and is listed as questionable for the game.  With the Add/Drop deadline passed, Petrillo's only remaining option was to make a trade.  Petrillo spoke with a number of teams, but the salary cap made trading very difficult.  Finally, with only a few hours before game time, the Cereal Kilurz sealed a deal with the expansion team Kong, sending Sean Jefferson to Kong for QB Jim Harbaugh.  Coach Petrillo said Harbaugh was a welcome addition to the team.  "We hate to lose Jefferson, especially considering his salary, but we were really in a pinch this week.  We feel that Jim will be able to fill in nicely until Kitna is 100% and McNair is back in action."

Levens

Week 2:The Second Half Slide handed the Cereal Kilurz their first defeat of the 1999 EFFL season today, outscoring them 52 to 47.  The Slide's biggest scoring threat, Fred Taylor (1), left the game early with an injury, but QB Rich Gannon (17) still lead his team to victory.  A late game TD pass to Yancey Thigpen (10) put the Slide over the top, increasing their lifetime record to 2-1 over the Kilurz.  It was the Second Half Slide who controversially knocked the Kilurz out of the playoffs in 1998.  "Those guys are getting to be a real pain in my ass," snapped Coach Petrillo after the game.  "We'll get our revenge in week 14.  Mark my words.  At least this year the tie breaker rules aren't all f@#%ed up."  The Cereal Kilurz Antonio Freeman (4) and Frank Sanders (3) combined for 161 receiving yards this week, but neither player was able to find the end zone.  Newly acquired Jim Harbaugh (15) filled in very nicely at quarterback, but Petrillo gave the game ball to RB Dorsey Levens (13).  Levens had 206 total yards and one TD.

Faulk

Week 3:The Cereal Kilurz brought the previously undefeated Kong back to reality this week, defeating them by a score of 41-30.  Kong owner Mark Proper had done a lot of trash talking before the game, but when it came time to put up or shut up, Proper chose the latter and hid under his new computer desk, sucking his thumb and sobbing.  Even after winning a side bet with Proper, Cereal Kilurz GM Mark Petrillo refused to gloat or join the anti-Kong media circus.  In a press conference after the game, Petrillo lashed out at the media. "I think you guys are unfairly criticizing Kong's management.  People are calling Coach Proper 'pathetic,' 'stupid,' 'a waste of space,' 'a big time schmuck,' 'a total loser,' 'a true jackass,' 'Queen Kong,' and lots of other things I won't repeat, but that's unfair.  Sure, the kid's head got a little big, but he's just a rookie in this league and didn't know any better.  I wish you people would cut him some slack." ... Marshall Faulk (14) earned his first game ball of the year, rushing for 105 yards and accumulating 67 more through the air, including one TD pass.  Dorsey Levens (6) racked up 133 total yards, and kicker Ryan Longwell (11) nailed three field goals and two extra points.  QB Jim Harbaugh (2) was disappointing, and Coach Petrillo plans on benching him next week in favor of John Kitna (2).  Kitna's toe injury did not appear to be a factor as he threw for 265 yards from the Kilurz bench.

Kitna

Week 4: After what Coach Petrillo described as a "pathetic loss" to the expansion Browns this week, the Cereal Kilurz record fell to 2-2, moving them one game behind the first place Kong in the Lambert division.  "The Green Bay bye week really hurt us, but Jacksonville's defense is what killed us."  Jacksonville's D. scored 19 points for the Browns, who beat the Kilurz by a score of 48 to 33.  Star RB Marshall Faulk (1) was held to only 40 total yards, even though the Rams scored 38 points this week.  The Kilurz wide receivers didn't fare much better -  Derrick Alexander (0), who started the season red hot had only one catch, and Frank Sanders (2) had two.  One bright spot for the Kilurz was the team's first two points scored at the Tight End position in 1999 - Greg Clark had 3 catches for 29 yards.  Jon Kitna (12) got this week's game ball, throwing for 213 yards and two TDs.

Freeman

Week 5: In an impressive come from behind victory, the Cereal Kilurz defeated the Rebel Yell by a score of 44-41.  Going into the Sunday night game, the Kilurz had only scored three points after less than stellar performances by Marshall Faulk (1), Derrick Alexander (1), Greg Clark (0), and Minnesota's Defense (1).  Both Faulk (hip) and Alexander (ribs) left their games with injuries, but neither looks to be a long term problem.  The Green Bay trio of Dorsey Levens (6), Antonio Freeman (19) and Ryan Longwell (17) put up 42 points, bumping the Cereal Kilurz record to 3-2 and moving them into a four way tie for first place in the Lambert Division.  Levens racked up 156 total yards, not including a 23 yard TD run that was called back because of a penalty.  Longwell kicked four field goals in his most impressive start of the year, and Antonio Freeman was given this week's game ball after accumulating 152 yards and two TDs.  This is the 5th straight week the Kilurz have had a different game ball winner.  "That Green Bay game was huge for us," Coach Petrillo commented.  "We were losing 41-3 going into the game, but with the pressure on, those guys really came through."  On an unrelated note, the Kilurz have scored only two points at the Tight End position this season.

Faulk fighting off Falcons

Week 6: The Cereal Kilurz had their best scoring week of 1999, crushing Pandora's Box 66-39.  "You didn't really think some chick coach could beat us, did you?" Coach Petrillo asked reporters after the game.  "The day some dame beats us, well, that'll be the day," he continued as he scratched his crotch in Mike Ditka-like fashion.  The Kilurz Tight End and defensive woes appear to be over, as Week 6 pickups' Kyle Brady (10) and St. Louis (19) scored more points this weekend than the Kilurz had scored at those positions in the previous five weeks combined.  Dorsey Levens (6) was held to only 12 yards on 10 rushes in Denver, but one of those rushes was for a TD.  Antonio Freeman (0) couldn't match his Week 6 performance either, but Marshall Faulk (16) made up for it with his best week of the season.  Faulk earned his second game ball, accumulating 213 total yards and a TD against Atlanta.

 

Marshall Faulk making a mockery of the Brown's Defense

Week 7: The Cereal Kilurz are on a roll and nothing can stop them.  Not the Chargers Defense against Dorsey Levens (8), Antonio Freeman (10) and Ryan Longwell (8).  Not Derrick Alexander's (0) refusal to catch the football Thursday night.  Not Marshall Faulk's (15) food poisoning and hospitalization the night before his game.  And certainly not T's Money.  The Cereal Kilurz won for the third straight week, scoring a season high 70 points against T's Money, who put only 37 points on the board.  This team has so much heart, Kyle Brady convinced Coach Petrillo to start him even though the Jaguars had a bye this week.  "I don't know what I was thinking," Brady told reports in a phone interview from his Jacksonville home.  "When I showed up at the stadium and the place was virtually empty, I thought maybe we had a road game or something.  Then it hit me - bye week.  Duh.  Stupid Kyle!  After promising Coach 100 yards and two TDs this week, boy did I feel dumb.  I ran 50 laps around the field and did 500 pushups as punishment to myself.  I'm just glad my stupidity didn't cost us the game."  Jon Kitna (15) was very impressive this week, throwing for 276 yards and 2 TD passes, but the team gave the game ball to Marshall Faulk.  Playing only three quarters of the Rams game because he was sick with food poisoning, Faulk still managed 200 combined yards on 16 carries and 9 catches.  His last rush of the day was a very impressive 33 yard TD run that ended the third quarter.  This is Faulk's second consecutive game ball and his third of the season.

Steve McNair looked great in his return from back surgery

Week 8: "Embarrassing.  That's the only word to describe it," Coach Petrillo stated after his Cereal Kilurz were defeated by the TECtonic Movement, 61-33.  "I made some poor coaching decisions this week.  I take full responsibility for this loss."  Petrillo made a number of questionable decisions this week, starting St. Louis' Defense (1) instead of Baltimore (13) and going with Frank Sanders (1) over the recently slumping Derrick Alexander (13).  Petrillo also decided to give Steve McNair (20) one more week of rest, even though team doctors gave him the OK to play against the undefeated St. Louis Rams.  McNair returned to the lineup six weeks to the day after having back surgery, threw for two TDs and rushed for a third.  Even though he was on the bench, the Kilurz gave McNair this week's game ball.  Marshall Faulk (12) had yet another impressive week, racking up 184 total yards and finding the end zone for the third week in a row.  With the exception of St. Louis' Defense (77), Faulk now leads the Cereal Kilurz with 64 EFFL points.  Jon Kitna is next on the list with 62.

Three TD man John Kitna has been earning his $8 salary and then some

Week 9: The Cereal Kilurz were not much more than a speed bump for the Strawmakers, who rolled over them en route to their EFFL record eighth straight victory, winning by a score of 56-48.   "We had a few bad breaks.  We could have won this game," commented Coach Petrillo.  "(Strawmakers' Coach Bernie) Martinelli is a lunatic, but he has one hell of a football team.  I'll give him that much."  EFFL MVP candidate Kurt Warner scored 20 points against the Kilurz, and Edgerrin James added 15 more.  Despite the losing effort, Coach Petrillo's genius was apparent this week as sleeper pickup Baltimore put up 15 points for the Kilurz on defense.  "Just wait until I start them against Cincinnati during the Superbowl in Week 16," Petrillo bragged.  Marshall Faulk (3) and Dorsey Levens (4) had unusually quiet weeks, consistent with the rest of the Kilurz lackluster performance.  Ryan Longwell (5) also had a 28 yard field goal blocked to end the Green Bay game, costing the Kilurz 5 points.  This week's game ball was given to Jon Kitna (15), who quieted trade talks after throwing for 202 yards and three TDs.  Look for those numbers to improve now that Joey Galloway has finally reported to play.

Marshall Faulk is definitely in the running  for team MVP

Week 10: The Cereal Kilurz woes continued this week as they were handed their third straight defeat, being defeated 59-49 by the Rambling Gophs.  Washington's Stephen Davis (18) and Michael Westbrook (13) combined for 31 fantasy points for the Gophs.  The Cereal Kilurz are now in sole possession of last place in the Lambert division, despite their still respectable 5-5 record.  Only five teams in the EFFL have better records than the Kilurz; unfortunately, three of those teams are in the Kilurz division.  "The way I see it, we're going to have to win three of our final four games to make the playoffs," Coach Petrillo told reporters.  "On paper, we have one of the best teams in the EFFL, but the guys just haven't been producing consistently lately."  Confronted with rumors of a blockbuster trade in the works, Petrillo declined to comment.  Marshall Faulk (12) was awarded his fourth game ball of the season, after accumulating 137 total yards and one rushing touchdown.

11/16/99 Trade: The Cereal Kilurz announced a blockbuster trade with the Strawmakers today, dealing wide receiver Antonio Freeman for Tim Brown, Rod Smith, and Kevin Faulk.  General Manager Mark Petrillo thinks this is a definite improvement for his team.  "Trading Antonio was tough for me, but we've been hurting at the number two receiver spot all season, and this move will really solidify our team.  We've got two great receivers now, and we picked up Kevin Faulk along the way."  Petrillo thinks Faulk could be a great carryover player, considering his $6 salary.  "Who knows?  If it looks like he's going to be a started next year, we might end up carrying TWO running backs named Faulk into 2000."  The Cereal Kilurz plan to start both Brown and Smith against the Shipyard Sharks this weekend.

Dorsey Levens breaking a tackle

Week 11: The Cereal Kilurz snapped a three game losing streak this week, pounding the Shipyard Sharks, 61-26.  "This was big win for us," commented Coach Petrillo.  "Hopefully this is what we needed to get jumpstarted heading into our last three games.  The Lambert division and the Wild Card are both up for grabs, and every game is crucial from this point on."  The Kilurz are currently tied with the Kodiak Bears with 6-5 records, one game behind Kong and the Second Half Slide.  Newly acquired receivers Tim Brown (2) and Rod Smith (3) combined for only 5 points, but the rest of the team was solid.  Top performers included Jon Kitna (10), Marshall Faulk (8), Ryan Longwell (13) and Baltimore's defense (10).  The game ball was awarded to Dorsey Levens (12) who racked up 146 total yards and a TD.  This was Levens' second game ball of the season.

Faulk scoring one of his TDs

Week 12: Things are getting interesting in the Lambert division.  After a 54-34 win over the Kodiak Bears this week, the Cereal Kilurz are deep in the playoff hunt.  The Kilurz 7-5 record ties them with their arch rivals, the Second Half Slide, who are one game behind Kong and one game ahead of the Bears.  Coach Petrillo knows exactly what needs to be done to assure his team a playoff berth.  "This was a huge win for us.  We have a very legitimate shot at getting into the postseason this year.  It would be nice to beat Kong again this week, but what really matters is Week 14.  If we beat those bastards (the Second Half Slide), we're in.  If we don't, we're out.  It's that simple."  In a move that many considered gutsy, Coach Petrillo started Steve McNair (11) over Jon Kitna this week.  Had Petrillo gone with Kitna, who scored an EFFL all time record low -9 points, the Kilurz would have tied the Bears.  "It was just a lucky guess," quipped the always humble Petrillo.  Marshall Faulk's career high fifth 100 yard rushing game earned him his fifth game ball of the year.  Faulk's two TD runs helped him score a season high 19 points.

Manning

12/4/99 Trade: The Cereal Kilurz completed an eight player deal with Pandora's Box today, sending five players to Pandora in exchange for three.  The Kilurz traded Steve McNair, Tim Couch, Rod Smith, Derrick Alexander and Washington's Defense to Pandora for Peyton Manning, Marcus Robinson and Seattle's defense.  In a press conference announcing the trade, General Manager Mark Petrillo said the trade is what the Kilurz needed to ensure they make the playoffs and are successful in the postseason.  "Losing those guys, especially Steve and Tim, was really tough for us.  With their combined $13 salary, we thought they would be excellent carryovers for 2000.  But we have to worry about this year right now, and we think Peyton and Marcus are what we need to make sure we get into the playoffs.  With Dorsey banged up, we were tempted to work out a deal for a running back, but since this week's game against Kong is more or less meaningless for us, we decided to take our chances and put together a team we think will beat the Second Half Slide in Week 14."

Brown

Week 13: This week's trade with Pandora's Box backfired, sending the Cereal Kilurz to their sixth loss of the season.  Had the Kilurz not made the trade, they would have easily beaten Kong, but instead lost 55-44.  General Manager Mark Petrillo responded to criticism, claiming the trade was to prepare for Week 14 and the playoffs, not Week 13.  "Like I told you guys last week, the Kong game was insignificant to us.  Sure, it would have been nice to beat them again for bragging rights, but this week's game is what really counts, and we feel that we have a stronger team now than we did a week ago."  The Kilurz must beat the Second Half Slide this week in order to advance to the playoffs.  Marshall Faulk (8) added yet another 100 yard rushing game to his season total and accumulated nearly 200 total yards but did not score a TD.  Tim Brown (15) had two TD receptions and was awarded his first game ball of the season.

12/10/99 Trade: The Cereal Kilurz traded star rookie WR Marcus Robinson to the Rambling Gophs today in exchange for Raghib Ismail.  "We really hated to let Marcus go," said General Manager Mark Petrillo during a press conference, "but with Chicago on a bye this week, we were desperate for a good receiver.  We hope the Rocket will fill in nicely during our key matchup with the Second Half Slide this weekend."

Faulk earning his sixth game ball

Week 14: The Second Half Slide beat the Cereal Kilurz 50-46 this week, knocking them out of the playoffs with a 7-7 record for the second year in a row.  Speaking outside of a somber Kilurz locker room, Coach Petrillo seemed to be at a loss for words.  "I just can't believe it.  Everything that could go wrong did... again."  The Kilurz had this week's game virtually wrapped up until the fourth quarter of the Monday night game.  That's when James Stewart was injured and the Slide's Fred Taylor took his place.  With less than four minutes left to play, Taylor scored a TD, tying the score.  On the Jaguars next drive, he refused to fumble, and with only 3 seconds left in the EFFL regular season, Slide kicker Mike Hollis booted a short field goal to seal the victory.  Had Hollis missed that kick, the Kilurz would be training for their first ever post season appearance.  Instead, they get to go home and watch the playoffs on TV, all the while preparing for their rematches with the Second Half Slide in 2000.  In a game attended by team owner Mark Petrillo, Marshall Faulk (19) racked up 210 total yards and scored twice.  Faulk earned his sixth game ball of the season and is expected to be selected as the team's MVP after the EFFL Superbowl.

Carter

12/19/99 Trade: After being eliminated from the playoffs less than one week ago, Cereal Kilurz General Manager Mark Petrillo is already looking to the future.  The Cereal Kilurz traded Tim Brown and Dorsey Levens to Kong today, in exchange for Chris Carter and Duce Staley.  "Tim and Dorsey were great for us this year, but their high salaries would have made them very tough for us to carry," commented Petrillo in a press conference.  "We're very excited about Chris and his $11 salary, and Duce is a steal at six bucks.  The only problem we're going to have is deciding what three guys to keep.  Right now, we'd like to build next year's team around Marshall and Chris, but deciding who our third carryover player should be is going to be tough.  It's most likely going to be one of our quarterbacks, but we probably won't know which one until after the preseason."

Carter

Faulk Named 1999 Team MVP: Marshal Faulk was named the 1999 Cereal Kilurz MVP immediately following the Strawmakers victory in the 1999 EFFL Superbowl.  Faulk received six game balls and led the Kilurz in scoring this year, and GM Mark Petrillo immediately granted him a contract extension.  "Marshall is a key part of this team, and we wanted to lock him up for at least another year ASAP."  Faulk will reportedly receive a 23% salary increase for the 2000 season.