2000 Cereal Kilurz
(8-6)

Team Notes and Weekly Recaps

8/16/00 Press Release: Less than an hour after this morning's trade was completed, GM Mark Petrillo officially announced the three players the Cereal Kilurz will carry into the 2000 season.  The Kilurz offered one year contract extensions to QB Peyton Manning, RB Marshall Faulk, and newly acquired TE Tony Gonzalez.  All three players received more than 20% salary increases for the 2000 season.  The combined salaries of the three superstars is $58, leaving Petrillo only $42 to build the rest of his team at Saturday's auction, but the third year GM is showing absolutely no concern.  "Not only am I not worried, but I think we're in great shape going into the auction.  We have the best quarterback, running back, and tight end combo in the EFFL.  Period.  Anyone who argues with that is a fool."  Petrillo wouldn't discuss his auction strategy, but insiders close to the eccentric GM say despite his lack of funds, they wouldn't be surprised to see him go after another superstar RB.

Faulk ($27)		Manning ($26)		Gonzalez ($5)

Auction Summary: After spending nearly 60% of his team's payroll before this year's auction even started, Cereal Kilurz GM Mark Petrillo had his work cut out for him in building a solid team.  The EFFL record $58 Petrillo spent before the auction was $14 more than that next highest GM's total, but with three superstar players (Manning, Faulk, Gonzalez) to build a team around, he wasn't worried.  "My plan was to sit there with my mouth shut for as long as possible, and that's exactly what I did."  Petrillo was the last GM to sign a player at the auction, and he received his fair share of ridicule from the other owners.  "Those idiots were laughing because after an hour, we still only had three players on our roster.  But my patience paid off, and now we have the best starting team in the EFFL."  Petrillo admitted he's not very happy about the depth of his team, but that's a problem he'll tackle when the time comes.  "Like I said, we have the best starting team in the EFFL.  I could have picked up backups for all my guys, but then I wouldn't have had as much money to spend on starters.  I chose to take the gamble and just go for it."  With some creative lineup shuffling and some intelligent roster moves to help cover bye weeks, Petrillo thinks the third year Cereal Kilurz are finally playoff bound.  "We're not going to let a 7-7 record keep us from the playoffs this year.  I expect us to head to the playoffs with with nine or ten wins under our belt."

 

Faulk just misses his third TD of the day

Week 1: For the first time in franchise history, the Cereal Kilurz have a losing record.  Cade McNown (25) and Duce Staley (19) had career games, leading Kong to a controversial 68-52 victory over the Kilurz. Kong's second year GM, Mark Proper didn't submit his starting lineup until nearly one hour after the weekly deadline, but EFFL commissioner Mark Saylor decided to bend the rules and accept it anyway.  Kilurz GM Mark Petrillo was a little surprised by the decision, but he said he "didn't want no stinkin' cheap assed win" anyway.  Despite the loss, Coach Petrillo was happy with what he saw on the field.  "Our guys played tough.  I think this week was an indication of good things to come.  Dillon starting the season on a bye hurt us, and so did getting only seven points from our kicker and defense put together."  The Kilurz two starting WRs, Ed McCaffrey (5) and Terrell Owens (9), who are considered by many to be the only weak links on the team, combined for 187 yards and a TD.  1999 team MVP Marshall Faulk (20) picked up where he left off last year, earning the first Kilurz game ball of the 2000 season.  Faulk racked up 178 total yards, scored twice, and missed a third TD on a long run by less than one yard.

Manning scrambling

Week 2: The Cereal Kilurz were handed their second straight defeat care of their arch-rivals, the Second Half Slide.  The Kilurz ordinarily impressive 66 points was no match for the Slide's EFFL season high 87.  Even after an 0-2 start, Coach Petrillo likes what he's seen out of his team.  "We played great this week.  Ciesielka's guys played better.  What else can I say?"  The Kilurz have had 155 points scored against them this season, far more than any other team in the league.  Highlights for the Kilurz included a 153 total yard game and a score from Marshall Faulk (13) and a 19 point day from Peyton Manning.  Manning's 367 yards and three TDs earned him his first game ball of the season.

Faulk earning his second game ball

Week 3: The Cereal Kilurz finally picked up their first win of the 2000 season, crushing the Kodiak Bears, 87-48.  "This week's win was huge for us," commented Coach Mark Petrillo after the game.  "Starting out 0-3 would have been really tough for us to bounce back from.  If we keep playing like this, I'm confident we will make the playoffs."  Asked what he thought the Kilurz chances were of winning the yearly $60 EFFL High Score prize, GM Mark Petrillo sounded confident, on the verge of cocky.  "We all know anything can happen in this league - How else do you explain Kong being 3-0? -  but I'm standing by my pre-season statement that we are the team to beat in the Lambert division, if not in the entire league.  I firmly believe we are capable of a 100 point week before the year is over."  Marshall Faulk received his second game ball of the year, racking up a career high 27 EFFL points.  Faulk rushed for 134 yards, picked up 65 more through the air, and ran for three TDs.

Manning receiving his 2nd game ball of 2000

Week 4: Coach Mark Petrillo made his first boneheaded decision of the year, but the Cereal Kilurz managed to crush the struggling Rambling Gophs 65-40 anyway.  Petrillo correctly started James Allen over Corey Dillon, but benched who in his own words is "without a doubt the best tight end in the NFL," Tony Gonzalez.  Petrillo claims he was hoping to send a message to Gonzalez, which Gonzalez apparently took personally as he went on to score 18 EFFL points.  Petrillo defended his logic, stating "Tony had not been a factor all year, so I thought I'd give him a week off.  I want it to be clear that no one on this team has a guaranteed starting job, 'superstar' or not."  Asked if he planned to start Gonzalez in Week 5, Petrillo responded, "Damn right I will."  Even without Gonzalez's additional 16 points, the Kilurz have now scored 270 points on the season, the second most in the EFFL.  With a 2-2 record, the Kilurz are now only one game behind Kong in the Lambert division.  In other news, GM Mark Petrillo gave Terrell Owens (14) a one game suspension for "conduct embarrassing to the team."  "Yeah, he scored twice this week.  So what?" Petrillo asked.  "There's no excuse for his behavior in Dallas."  Coming off a bye week, Peyton Manning (26) earned his second game ball of 2000, throwing for a career high 440 yards and four TDs Monday night against the Jaguars.

Faulk being congratulated on  one of his TD receptions

Week 5: The Cereal Kilurz 62 points in Week 5 weren't enough to stop the first year Red Zone Assassins, who put 69 points on the scoreboard.  The Red Asses were one of only three teams to outscore the Kilurz this week, and the Kilurz have scored more points than 10 of the other 11 EFFL teams on the season.  "Yeah, we've had some tough luck this year," commented Coach Mark Petrillo in a news conference after the game.  "I'm not making excuses, but we do have a tough schedule, and we're just not getting the calls."  Petrillo's comment was referring to Red Ass Frank Wycheck's TD that instant reply showed was actually a fumble on the 1 yard line.  That 8 point scoring swing cost the Kilurz the game this week.  "I'm very happy with how we've been playing," Petrillo continued, "and I know our record will better reflect this team's talents by the end of the year."  Marshall Faulk (19) continued the every other week Faulk/Manning game ball pattern, earning his third game ball of the season.  Faulk racked up 171 total yards on only 13 touches and caught two TD passes before being taken out of the game because of the Rams huge lead.  Faulk's 82 EFFL points this year are second in the league only to teammate Kurt Warner's 91.

Owens performing an acceptable TD celebration

Week 6: In a week with Marshall Faulk and Tony Gonzalez on byes and Peyton Manning (5) having a less than stellar performance, the Cereal Kilurz still managed to dominate T's Money, beating them 80-53.  Despite leading the entire EFFL in scoring this year with 412 points, the Kilurz have a somewhat disappointing 3-3 record.  General Manager Mark Petrillo jokingly suggested he should change the name of his 17-17 lifetime team to "The Even Stevens" next season.  After being benched in favor of rookie James Allen for the past two weeks, Corey Dillon (10) filled in nicely for Marshall Faulk, scoring his first TD of the year.  The Kilurz top performances came from their WRs - Ed McCaffrey (15) and Terrell Owens (20) - who each scored twice.  Owens returned from his Week 5 suspension and earned his first game ball of the year, racking up 180 total yards to go with his two scores.  Asked if he regretted suspending Owens in Week 5's loss, Coach Petrillo responded, "Not at all.  Don't get me wrong, we could have used Terrell last week, but this team is built on discipline.  But that's all in the past now, and we're glad to have him back with the team."  Many EFFL owners consider Owens' $4 salary to be the steal of the auction.  Even after not playing in Week 5, Owens is second in the league in scoring for WRs with 58 points.

Faulk scoring during a career high rushing day

Week 7: When Coach Petrillo half jokingly said his team would score 100 points this week, he had know idea how close that prediction would come to being true.  After announcing his Week 7 starting lineup, Petrillo made the following off the cuff comment: "I think we'll score 100 points this week.  Just for kicks."  While the Cereal Kilurz didn't break the 100 point mark, they came damn close.  Even with virtually no help from Corey Dillon (1) and Tim Seder (2), the Kilurz managed to score 92 points, crushing the Shipyard Sharks who managed to put a somewhat respectable 58 points on the board.  "Yeah, I know.  I should have started Allen this week," Petrillo commented.  "Hindsight is always 20-20, isn't it?" In an NFL game Petrillo attended on friendly terms with Kong Coach Mark Proper, James Allen (9) rushed for 71 yards and a score against Minnesota.  Had Petrillo started him over Dillon, the Kilurz would have finished the week with exactly 100 points, Petrillo's prediction and the most scored by any EFFL team this year.  Numerous Kilurz made bids for this week's prestigious game ball award including Tony Gonzalez (16) who scored for the third straight week, and Terrell Owens (16) who scored two touchdowns for the third straight game.  Gonzalez and Owens, who have a combined $9 salary, both rank first in EFFL scoring at their respective positions.  Despite those impressive performances, there was no question who earned this week's game ball.  In the best rushing day of his career, Marshall Faulk (23) rushed for 208 yards and caught passes for 78 more.  Faulk scored one TD and found the end zone twice more during two point conversions.  Addressing reporters after the game, Coach Petrillo's admiration for his star player was clear.  "Marshall Faulk is the best fantasy football player in the game.  Period."  Faulk, who leads all non QBs in EFFL scoring, has received game balls in all but two of the games he has played in this year.

Head Coach Heidi Klum proudly displays the Cereal Kilurz' colors

Week 8: After this week's 91-86 loss to the TECtonic Movement, General Manager Mark Petrillo shocked the EFFL when he announced he was resigning as Head Coach of the 4-4 Cereal Kilurz.  Petrillo will continue to act as the  team's Owner, General Manager and Water Boy, but the Kilurz coaching duties will be taken over by Petrillo's long time girlfriend and Kilurz' Head Cheerleader Heidi Klum.  Petrillo cited the Kilurz disappointing record as the reason for his decision.  "Given the talent on this team, there is no excuse for our 4-4 record.  Under my coaching, we are exactly 18-18 lifetime, and that's just not going to cut it.  This is a MUCH better team than our record reflects, and there's no one to blame but myself."  Petrillo thinks Klum will be able to coach the Kilurz into the playoffs.  "Heidi is as smart as she is beautiful.  She told me over and over to start Dillon last week, but I was stubborn and started Allen.  That cost us the game, and potentially the Season High Score Prize."  Despite being on the Kilurz' bench, Corey Dillon (23) earned this week's game ball, setting an NFL rushing record with 278 yards and a TD.  Had Petrillo taken Klum's advice, not only would the Kilurz be 5-3, but they would have scored 105 points in Week 8 - the highest total in the EFFL thus far this season.  This is the second consecutive week that the Kilurz failed to break the 100 point barrier because of Petrillo starting the wrong running back.  Even without Dillon's 23 points this week, the Cereal Kilurz currently lead the EFFL with 590 points scored on the season.

Faulk leading the Kilurz to their all time highest score

Week 9: Critics who questioned Mark Petrillo replacing himself with girlfriend Heidi Klum as Head Coach of the Cereal Kilurz were silenced this week as the Kilurz set a franchise record for points scored, defeating Pandora's Box 112-49.  After two consecutive weeks of failing to break the 100 point barrier because of poor coaching decisions by Petrillo, Klum picked the right starting lineup in her coaching debut and the Kilurz shattered the 100 point barrier, nearly breaking the EFFL record of 116 points.  "I've been telling you we were capable of this all year long," boasted Petrillo after the victory.  "Some of my fellow owners have doubted this team's greatness, but I think the numbers speak for themselves.  Every one of you schmucks knows this is the best team in the league right now, despite our unfortunate 5-4 record."  The Cereal Kilurz currently lead the EFFL with 702 points scored, more than they scored in all of 1999 (694) and more than has been scored against them in either of their first two 14 game seasons (693, 643).  The team is on pace to break the single season scoring record of 983, set in 1998 by the Rebel Yell.  Nearly all the Kilurz had exceptional games this week, but as always a few individuals stand out.  Terrell Owens (17) had yet another two TD game, expanding his lead as the EFFL's best receiver, and Tony Gonzalez's 101 yards kept him on top of the TE leader board.  This week's game ball went to Marshall Faulk (31), who had two rushing TDs and two receiving TDs, while playing through knee and shoulder injuries.  In Kong Coach Mark Proper's words, "That guy is a monster."  Possibly hinting at future plans for Faulk, Petrillo said, "Marshall is without a doubt the leader of this team.  Don't expect to see him wearing another team's uniform anytime soon."  It may be too early to say for sure, but so far, the Klum move seems to be working out for the Kilurz.  At least Petrillo thinks so.  "Marshall wasn't the only one celebrating four times on Sunday, was he baby?" he asked Klum with a wink and an elbow nudge.  Klum responded with some sort of tongue rolling purring sound, and then physically pulled Petrillo out of the press conference.

McCaffrey on his way to one of his two TDs

Week 10: Even with their starting running backs scoring 42 points less than the 43 points they scored last week, the Cereal Kilurz managed to pull off a 68-53 victory over the Rebel Yell.  Superstar running back Marshall Faulk was taken out of the Rams starting lineup at the last minute due to the knee pain he's been suffering from all season.  He had fluid drained from the knee before the game and had successful surgery removing torn cartilage on Monday.  Faulk is expected to miss 2-3 weeks of action.  "This is a great loss for us," Coach Heidi Klum commented.  "Marshall is without a doubt the MVP of this team, and he was on pace to break all sorts of NFL and EFFL records this year.  He will be missed dearly over the next few weeks - especially this week against those pesky Strawmakers - but we look forward to his return for the playoffs."  In order to have a realistic chance of making the playoffs this year, the 6-4 Cereal Kilurz must win their Week 11 matchup with the 7-3 Strawmakers.  The Kilurz are 0-2 lifetime against the Strawmakers.  This week's game ball went to Ed McCaffrey (16), who had 96 yards receiving and scored two TDs.

Gramatica celebrating Petrillo's winning bet

Week 11: Call it poor coaching.  Call it bad luck.  Call it whatever you want, but for one reason or another, the Cereal Kilurz won't be in the playoffs for the third straight year.  In their first two seasons, the Kilurz were knocked out of the playoffs by the evil Second Half Slide in Week 14, thanks to controversial (and twice changed since) tiebreaker rules.  This year, with their best team in franchise history, the Kilurz are all but mathematically eliminated after Week 11. Coming in to Week 11, the Kilurz hadn't scored less than 62 points since Week 1, but this week, they only managed to put 45 points on the board, their lowest total of the year.  Injuries to superstars Marshall Faulk and Terrell Owens definitely hurt the Kilurz production, but they still could have won the game.  Strawmakers Coach Bernie Martinelli was even nice enough to make things interesting by starting the injured Kurt Warner over Trent Green, who scored 31 points from the Strawmakers bench.  Martinelli's tight end, kicker and defense combined for three lousy points, but the 51 the Strawmakers put on the board was still too much for the Kilurz, who were averaging 77 points per week coming into the game.  The Kilurz were actually beating the Strawmakers (and in prime position to take the Wild Card or even win the Lambert division outright) until there was about one minute left in the Monday night game.  That's when ex-Cereal Kilurz Tim Brown scored a touchdown, putting the Strawmakers on top for good.  That score, plus the one point victory Kong pulled off over the pathetic T's Money, thanks to a few passing yards from the injured Brian Griese in the final moments of the game, leave the Kilurz three games back in their division with three left to play.  GM Mark Petrillo expressed his disappointment after the game.  "I don't really know what to say.  Here we are, the highest scoring team in the league, on pace to shatter the all time season scoring record, and we even can't make the playoffs.  I just don't know what I have to do to get this team into the post season."  One smart ass from the back of the room shouted "Sell your soul to the devil!"  The room erupted with laughter, except for Petrillo, who shifted his gaze toward girlfriend and Cereal Kilurz Head Coach Heidi Klum... This week's game ball was awarded to kicker Martin Gramatica (12), who nailed two long field goals at a Tampa Bay/Green Bay game attended by Petrillo and rival coaches Mark Proper and Jeff Teschendorf.  A 54 yard kick even earned Petrillo a brand new one dollar bill, care of Coach Proper.  Gramatica, a Teschendorf look alike, has nailed a league leading five field goals of over 50 yards this year.

Tony The Tiger

Week 12: After playing very well all season and being eliminated from the playoffs, yet again, the Cereal Kilurz took out their rage on the lowly Kodiak Bears this week, pummeling them 83-48.  "This is without a doubt the best team we've ever had," GM Mark Petrillo said in a press conference.  Coach Heidi Klum agreed.  "It sucks ass that a team like this won't be going to the post season, but what can you do?  The other teams really stepped up against us this year."  The Cereal Kilurz 898 points to date puts them on pace to break the EFFL record of 983.  The team, who has averaged 75 points per week, needs to only score 43 in each of their final two games to break the record.  The Kilurz 112 points scored in Week 9 remains the high EFFL score of the year, and will likely win Petrillo the $60 prize.  "Yeah, that'll be nice, but I'd give it back for a playoff spot.  Hey, that gives me an idea.  Maybe I can buy my way in to the playoffs from that crappy Kong team."  Terrell Owens did not play for the Kilurz for the second straight week, but exactly 14 days after having knee surgery, Marshall Faulk (11) returned to the field.  Faulk picked up where he left off, compiling 121 total yards and scoring a TD.  He continues to lead all EFFL running backs in scoring, despite missing two games.  Other notable performances include Peyton Manning (18) who threw for three TDs late in the game and Ed McCaffrey (19) who caught a pair of TD passes.  This week's game ball went to Tony Gonzalez (19), who is by far the best tight end in the NFL.  Gonzalez racked up 76 yards and scored two TDs.

Dillon becoming the first player  to ever rush for 1000 yard in each of his first 4 seasons

Week 13: Adding insult to the injury that has been the Cereal Kilurz 2000 season, the Kilurz were defeated for the fifth straight time by their arch nemesis, the Second Half Slide.  The Kilurz beat the Slide in their first matchup (Week 1 of 1998), but have not been victorious since.  In both 1998 and 1999, Week 14 losses to the Slide knocked the 7-7 Cereal Kilurz out of the playoffs thanks to poor tiebreaker rules.  "Yeah, at least those bastards didn't get that honor this year.  I'm pretty sure that punk Ciesielka is paying off my players to throw these games," joked GM Mark Petrillo.  "How else can you explain the combined two points from Marshall (Faulk), Tony (Gonzalez), Eddie (McCaffrey), and Terance (Mathis)?"  One player who Ciesielka's goons definitely didn't intimidate was Corey Dillon (18), whose 128 yard, two TD performance earned him his second game ball of the season.  The Kilurz have now scored 949 points on the season, and need only 34 points to break the all time scoring record.

Gonzalez earning his second game ball of the season

Week 14: With a 75-45 trouncing of the 11-2 Kong, the Cereal Kilurz have their first non 7-7 season in the record books.  En route to their 8-6 finish, the Kilurz shattered the previous EFFL scoring record with 1024 points on the year.  "We broke 1000?" asked GM Mark Petrillo?  "Wow, I knew we were scoring a lot, but I didn't think we were going to break 1000."  Petrillo, in the running for EFFL Coach of the Year, won the first annual $60 prize for having the highest scoring week of the year.  No other team broke 100 points in a given week - the Kilurz scored 112 in Week 9.  Corey Dillon (16) rushed for over 200 yards for the second time this year, but this week's game ball went to Tony Gonzalez (20), who had 147 yards and a touchdown.

Griese

12/8/00 Trade: The Cereal Kilurz season may be over, but Mark Petrillo is still an active owner in the EFFL.  Petrillo announced today that the Kilurz traded $26 Peyton Manning to Kong for $3 Brian Griese.  "This trade should in no way reflect poorly on Peyton," stated Petrillo.  "We are simply looking to the future, and Brian's $3 contract is very attractive for a QB of his caliber.  Peyton was an excellent quarterback for us all year long, and we wish him the best of luck in the playoffs, even though he has to play under that scumbag, Mark Proper.  Don't be surprised if you see Peyton in a Cereal Kilurz uniform after next year's auction."  Last year, Petrillo made a similar trade with Kong's owner, sending him a couple of high priced, healthy players (Dorsey Levens and Tim Brown) for two less expensive, injured ones (Duce Staley and Chris Carter).  Neither Staley nor Carter got the chance to play a game in a Kilurz uniform though, as they were traded back to Kong for Tony Gonzalez before the start of the 2000 season.  With Gonzalez, Terrell Owens, and Marshall Faulk already on the Cereal Kilurz roster with affordable contracts ($36 combined), is Petrillo planning on dealing Griese before the 2001 season?  "I don't know if I'd go so far as to say that, but I like to keep my options open," answered Petrillo.

Faulk

Faulk Named 2000 Team MVP: For the second consecutive year, Marshal Faulk was named the Cereal Kilurz MVP.  Faulk earned five game balls in 2000, racking up 2189 total yards, and his 26 TDs set an NFL record.  Impressively, Faulk accomplished all this despite mid-season knee surgery.  Cereal Kilurz GM Mark Petrillo granted Faulk another contract extension, granting him a 22% raise.  "Marshall is the heart and soul of this team.  After what he accomplished this year, there's no way he's going to be playing for any team besides ours next season."

Petrillo

Petrillo Wins Coach of the Year Honors: Despite resigning his position as Cereal Kilurz Head Coach in week 8, Mark Petrillo was selected as the 2000 EFFL Coach of the Year.  Petrillo managed the Kilurz to a disappointing 4-4 record before turning the team over to long time girlfriend and Kilurz Head Cheerleader Heidi Klum.  Klum, under Petrillo's guidance, finished the season with a 4-2 record.  "I'm not sure why they picked me instead of Heidi," remarked Petrillo after being presented with the prestigious COTY plaque.  "Maybe it was because I had such a solid auction."  After announcing his carryover players, Petrillo was mocked for entering the 2000 auction with only $42 left to spend.  He made the best of it though, signing superstars like Corey Dillon ($13), Ed McCaffrey ($12) and the bargain of the auction, Terrell Owens ($4).  Petrillo also had an impressive season-long add/drop record and made some noteworthy trades.  Even after the Kilurz were eliminated from the playoffs, Petrillo was still planning for the future.  He picked up Priest Holmes for $1 and traded Kong for $3 Brian Griese.  Both players will make for good carryovers, or at a minimum, great trade bait.  To top it all off, Petrillo's 8-6 Cereal Kilurz shattering the all time scoring record with 1024 points - likely the key reason why Petrillo was recognized by his peers.