Auction Summary: Last year, the Cereal Kilurz had the most dominating team the EFFL has ever seen.  It would be virtually impossible for owner Mark Petrillo to reproduce such a team, but he managed to assemble a formidable offense at today's auction.  With only two players carried into the auction, Petrillo had $77 left to spend.  He said he was hoping to pick up a couple of premiere RBs for around $45 combined, and he did just that, landing Edgerrin James for $28 and Emmitt Smith for $10.  "I was surprised to see Curtis (Martin) go for move than the $25 salary I could have carried him for, but the top running backs seemed to go for premium prices this year.  Some people think James was over priced at $28, but at that point in the auction, I HAD to get him.  It's ok though.  I'm confident he's going to bounce back from last year's injury and prove to be a bargain at that price."  Not only is Petrillo's starting team solid from top to bottom this year, but he has great depth for a change.  Not only did Petrillo sign the backups for both of his running backs, including future star Troy Hambrick for only $3, but he added a couple of other promising rookies as well.  Petrillo signed RBs T.J. Duckett and DeShaun Foster for $5 each and rookie WR Antonio Bryant for just $1.  "Of course I want to win this year, but I think it is equally important for us to look to the future, so we can rebuild the dynasty we've had for the past couple of seasons," he said.

Vick diving for a gain

Week 1: The Cereal Kilurz pulled off an absolutely nail biting win this week, defeating the Kodiak Bears by a score of 49 to 47.5.  The 1.5 point difference is actually what Kodiak's defense scored (-1.5).  Had Coach Matt Saylor started no defense, the division rivals would have tied this week instead of extending Saylor's losing streak to the Kilurz to eight games.  "We really lucked out with this win," said Coach Petrillo after the game.  "I'm not going to tell you we deserved this, but we'll take it."  Michael Vick (18) and Jason Elam (12) were the only starters who managed to score double digits in points.  Qadry Ismail (16) had a great week, but Petrillo foolishly benched him in favor of rookie WR Antonio Bryant (2).  The Kilurz starting RBs, WRs, and TE actually combined for only ten points between them.  "Was I disappointed in the scores those guys put up this week," Petrillo asked rhetorically?  "Yes, of course.  But I was pleased with how they looked, and I expect much better numbers in the weeks to come.  Hopefully this will be one of our lowest scoring weeks of the year."  The first game ball of 2002 went to QB Michael Vick, who threw one TD pass and rushed for another score while passing for 209 yards and picking up 72 more on the ground.

James working on his impressive yardage total

Week 2: Not since their four point loss in Week 7 of 2001 have the Cereal Kilurz smelled defeat, but the locker room stunk after this week's 57-35.5 loss to the Second Half Slide.  "We won an EFFL record 10 straight games," commented Coach Petrillo, "but I knew it couldn't last forever."  After a long pause, Petrillo added, "I hate to say it, but this year, we're just not going to dominate the league as much as we have for the past couple of seasons.  I'm not throwing in the towel or saying we won't win the division - don't get me wrong - but it's going to be a lot harder for us than it was last year."  The 35.5 points the Kilurz scored this week was their lowest total since they scored just 33 points in Week 8 of 1999, 38 games ago.  This week's defeat was the sixth loss to the Slide in franchise history.  The most games the Kilurz have lost to any other team in the league is three.  Terrell Owens (7) found the end zone for the first time this year, and Michael Vick (8) had another respectable game, but this week's game ball went to Edgerrin James (10).  James showed no signs of last season's knee injury, putting up an impressive 220 total yards.

Vick's moves earned him his second game ball

Week 3: We are only three games into the 2002 season, and the Cereal Kilurz have already lost as many games this year as they lost all of last season.  This week's 62-52.5 defeat came at the hands of division rival Kong.  Many of the Kong players clearly stepped up for this week's game, including Troy Brown (14) who caught a team record 17 passes, racking up 176 yards and a score.  "Yes, this week's loss was disappointing," remarked Coach Petrillo after the game, "but it was also encouraging.  Most of the guys looked good and are starting to put up the numbers I expect from them.  Mike (Vick) played exceptionally well."  RB Edgerrin James (5) had 127 combined yards, and WRs Terrell Owens (8) and Qadry Ismail (7) both hauled in TD passes, but Vick (15) earned this week's game ball after dominating the Bengals Sunday night.

Gonzalez had a huge game... for the Strawmakers

Week 4: The Cereal Kilurz set a team record for points scored this week, and no, they did not outscore their 129 point game from last year.  The team scored their lowest point total ever, being defeated 46-16 by Pandora's Box.  The pathetic 16 points the Kilurz put on the board was their lowest total in team history and was only 4 points from the all time EFFL low of 12.  "Going into Monday night, we had only scored 10 points," commented Coach Petrillo after the team's first ever loss to Pandora's Box.  "I thought about benching Elam and breaking the record, but then decided against it.  That's not a record we need associated with this franchise."  Petrillo said he expected to lose this week, but didn't expect to be humiliated.  "I've known since the auction that it we didn't have a chance this week.  With Mike (Vick), The Edge (Edgerrin James), T.O. (Terrell Owens) and Qadry (Ismail) all on bye, I knew a win would be nearly impossible.  Luckily, this week is behind us now, and we can focus on the rest of the season."  The Kilurz, who have led the league in scoring for the past two years, have scored an EFFL low 153 points this season, 111.5 less than the league leading Strawmakers.  Since no Kilurz player had even a respectable performance this week, Coach Petrillo awarded the game ball to the Strawmakers' Tony Gonzalez (32).  Gonzalez, whose contract with the Kilurz ended last season, had 140 yards and caught three TD passes.  "Wow, what an honor," reacted Gonzalez when told of the game ball.  "I really miss those guys.  I wish I was still playing for the Cereal Kilurz now."  They sure could use him.

Smith earned his first game ball after scoring his first TD

Week 5: For the fourth straight week, the Cereal Kilurz have been defeated, this time at the hands of the Red Zone Assassins, 93.5-39.  The Assassins are the only team in the EFFL the Cereal Kilurz have never beaten, defeating the Kilurz in all three of their meetings.  "I don't know what to tell you," said a somber Coach Petrillo after the game.  "I'm not used to losing.  I guess we just don't have a playoff worthy team this year."  The 93.5 points the Assassins scored is the most scored by any team in the EFFL this season.  Over half of those points were scored by Rich Gannon (29) and Priest Holmes (23) alone.  Meanwhile, the hits just keep on coming for the Kilurz, who lost QB Michael Vick (0) to a shoulder injury this week.  Mark Brunell will fill in for Vick until his return, and possibly even longer.  Kilurz RBs Edgerrin James (9) and Emmitt Smith (9) each scored their first TDs of the season this week, and Petrillo awarded Smith with his this week's game ball.

Elam celebrates getting his first game ball

Week 6: The Cereal Kilurz lost their team record fifth straight game this week, losing to the TECtonic Movement by a score of 64-57.5.  "It's very frustrating," said Coach Petrillo after the game.  "The guys are finally playing pretty well, but week after week, for one reason or another, we just can't seem to win.  Losing our QB for the second week in a row certainly didn't help things either."  Mark Brunell (0), filling in for the injured Michael Vick, was knocked out the Jaguars game with a concussion after his team's first offensive series.  "Luckily for us though," continued Petrillo, "our whole division sucks, and we're only 2 games back, even with our crappy 1-5 record."  Terrell Owens (16) made a bid for his first game ball this week, scoring 2 TDs Monday night, but Petrillo gave it to Jason Elam (21).  Elam kicked five field goals, not including a 49 yarder that was nullified because of an offensive penalty.  With the exception of Owens, Elam, and the Saints Defense (13.5), the most points any Cereal Kilurz scored this week was 2. 

Vick bounced back from his injury and won his third game ball

Week 7: In an amazing come from behind victory, the Cereal Kilurz overcame Marshall Faulk's 35 point performance to beat the Strawmakers this week, 53-52.5.  The half point win was the closest victory in Cereal Kilurz history, and snapped their five game losing streak.  With just 26 seconds left in Monday night's game and the Cereal Kilurz still down 1.5 points, Edgerrin James (7) caught a 2 yard pass on 4th down to keep the Colt game alive.  The Colts were losing 28-10 to the Steelers at the time, so the only thing left to play for was a Cereal Kilurz victory.  "The Steelers had us beat, but I told Peyton (Manning) that me and Qadry (Ismail) were still playing for the Kilurz," explained James after the game.  One the next play, Ismail (1) caught a 5 yard pass, giving him exactly 20 yards for the night and bringing the Kilurz to within one half point of the Strawmakers.  After Ismail's catch, with only seconds left on the clock, James caught a pass in the backfield and busted a 13 yard run, giving him 82 receiving yards on the night and earning the Kilurz the point the needed for the victory.  "I have to tell you," said a clearly relieved Coach Mark Petrillo, "after Marshall scored 35 points earlier in the day, I thought we were done for.  He was our team MVP for the past three seasons, so I expected him to go all out against us this week, but come on, four touchdowns?  Give me a break.  I get the point, Marshall."  Petrillo continued, "Anyway, the way things had been going for us this year, I didn't think we had a chance to come back from that deficit, but Edge and Q did pulled it off."  Petrillo added that he thought this win might be the shift in momentum the Kilurz need to get back on track.  "We're playing the Rebel Smell this week, so that's should be an easy win for us.  And yes, I realize Mark Saylor's 5-2 record is the best in the EFFL, but remember, he has NEVER beaten us.  Ever."  The Kilurz have a history of dominated the Yell, including scoring an EFFL record 129 points against them in their last meeting.  Petrillo is 12-1 against Coaches named Saylor in the regular season, and 14-1 including last year's "Cereal Kilurz vs. the World" exhibition game.  T.J. Duckett (14) scored the first two TDs of his career this week, but sadly, Coach Petrillo had benched Duckett in favor of the "craptacular" Emmitt Smith (4).  Petrillo awarded this week's game ball to QB Michael Vick (14), who returned from a shoulder injury to rush for 91 yards and a TD in only three quarters of play.

Vick dancing into the end zone

Week 8: The Cereal Kilurz were back to their losing ways this week, losing to the Rebel Yell 66.5-64.5.  This weeks defeat was the first ever to Mark Saylor's Yell.  "Losing this game was pretty tough for us," said Coach Mark Petrillo after the game.  "I was really hoping to remain undefeated against the Rebel Smell forever.  We were so close, too... I'm not blaming (Jason) Elam, but if he had made just one of the two field goals he missed this week - Oh well.  Shit happens."  Especially to the Cereal Kilurz, apparently.  Highlights for the Kilurz this week included Emmitt Smith (9) becoming the NFL's all time rushing leader after rushing for 109 yards and a TD and Terrell Owens' (18) 132 yards and two scores.  Michael Vick (19) earned his fourth game ball of the season this week.  He threw for 195 yards and rushed for 91 and two TDs.

Halloween Trades: The Cereal Kilurz roster went through some major changes after the team announced trades with the Rebel Yell and the Red Zone Assassins today.  The Kilurz sent WR Terrell Owens, who was playing for the third consecutive year with the Kilurz, to the Yell for RBs Amos Zereoue and Tiki Barber, WR Amani Toomer, and Tampa Bay's league leading defense.  The Kilurz also parted with the Saints and Rams defenses in the deal.  The team's other trade, announced just minutes after the deal with the Yell, sent RB Emmitt Smith to the Assassins in exchange for WR James Thrash.  "Today's moves not only help us now, but they give us potential for next year as well," stated GM Mark Petrillo during a press conference announcing the deals.  "We added some depth that will help us until Edge (Edgerrin James) and T.J. (Duckett) are 100%, and at $2, Amos could be a great carryover for us.  The Bucs defense should be a nice improvement for us as well."  Asked if the team will miss the explosive scoring potential of veteran Terrell Owens, Petrillo responded, "Absolutely.  No question about it.  T.O. is a great guy and has been one of our highest scorers for three years now.  But he was in the last year of his contract, and at 2-6, we need to be thinking about the future."  There was no official statement made, but rumor has it today's deal also gave the Kilurz the option to pick up Coach Heidi Klum's contract after the 2002 season.  Klum, who was fired by the Kilurz and signed by the Yell before this season, sports an 18-6 record in the EFFL.

Barber made an impressive debut for the Kilurz

Week 9: Another week, another loss.  This week's 55.5-48.5 defeat came at the hands of the EFFL's luckiest team, the Rambling Gophs.  The Kilurz were only outscored by three teams in the league, but once again, one of them was their opponent.  "Our luck, or should I say lack thereof, has been unbelievable this year," remarked Coach Petrillo after the loss.  "My people tell me that we have had 123 more points scored against us than the Gophs have against them.  That's about 30% more.  No wonder they are winning."  Digging a little farther, it turns out that if the Cereal Kilurz and the Gophs traded schedules with each other, both teams would be 4-5 right now, and that includes the Gophs lucky win over the Kilurz this week.  Even after leaving 15 points on the bench by starting Michael Vick over Mark Brunell, the Kilurz had a solid lead over the Gophs going into Monday night's game.  That's when the Packers defense dominated and scored 13.5 points, sending the Kilurz to yet another loss.  Even if the team wins their remaining five games, with seven losses, this season will be the worst in Kilurz history.  This week's game ball went to Tiki Barber (20), who had 163 total yards and scored two TDs in his Cereal Kilurz debut.

Vick grabbing his team high fifth game ball

Week 10: The Cereal Kilurz win!  The Cereal Kilurz win!  Yes, this week's 58-41 victory came against the 2-7-1 Badville Chaunceys, but at this point, the Cereal Kilurz will take wins any way they can.  "We're not trying to make the playoffs any more," stated Coach Mark Petrillo during the post-game press conference, "but I do want to have a strong finish to the season.  I know it's not realistic, especially now that I have traded most of our studs away, but if we win our remaining four games, we'll be .500 for the year."  The Kilurz have never finished a season with a record worse than .500.  Tiki Barber (14) had his second strong game for the Kilurz and Amani Toomer (10) scored his first TD for the team, but once again, the game ball went to team leader Michael Vick (16).  Vick earned his fifth game ball of the season, throwing for career high 294 passing yards and a TD, and rushing for 53 yards and another score. 

Gonzalez

11/12/02 Trade: In a move that clearly indicates the Cereal Kilurz are rebuilding for next year, the team sent superstar QB Michael Vick and Tampa Bay's league leading defense to the Kodiak Bears in exchange for TE Tony Gonzalez and QB Joey Harrington.  "We might not carry either of those players," stated GM Mark Petrillo at the press conference he called to announce the trade, "but then again, we might carry them both.  Don't get me wrong, Mike (Vick) was the heart and sole of this team, but his contract ends in a few weeks, so resigning him was never an option for us.  At 3-7, even though we are not mathematically eliminated, I felt it was time to look forward to next year."  The Kilurz now have a team literally overflowing with potential carryover players, and depending on how things shape up this off-season, Petrillo could have a starting lineup full of studs before the first bid of the 2003 auction is made.  Today's trade reunites Gonzalez with the Kilurz after a 10 game absence. He was the team's starting TE for all of 2000 and 2001.  "I can't begin to tell you how nice it is to be back," said Gonzalez.  "After Coach Petrillo game me a game ball back in Week 4, when I wasn't even on his team, I knew I had to find my way back here."  Drafted by the Strawmakers, Gonzalez was traded to the Bears last week before making his return to the Kilurz today.

Thrash scored his first points for the Kilurz

Week 11: Despite dealing away most of their stars recently, the Cereal Kilurz won their second consecutive game this week, beating the Shipyard Sharks by a score of 58-46.  The Sharks are now 1-4 lifetime against the Kilurz, who with three games left in the season, are just 1.5 games behind division leading Kong.  "I'm not going to lie to you," said Coach Petrillo.  "Our chances of making the playoffs aren't great, but mathematically, we've still got a shot."  If the Kilurz win their remaining three games, they still won't be guaranteed a playoff spot, and their five game winning streak would put the team's record at 7-7, equaling their worst season in franchise history.  Petrillo went on to say he was nervous about facing ex-Kilurz superstars Marshall Faulk and Michael Vick, now both with the Kodiak Bears, in Week 12.  "Marshall scored 35 points against us in Week 7, so hopefully he got any bitterness he had out of his system, but this will be the first time we've faced Mike.  I have the utmost respect for his abilities, and I'm afraid he's going to put up big numbers against Carolina this week."  The Kilurz have history on their side, having defeated the Bears in 8 of their 9 previous meetings.  Amani Toomer (10) scored a TD for the second straight week, and Mark Brunell (12) filled in nicely as the team's QB.  Kurt Warner is expected to get the starting nod next week.  James Thrash (15), who had not scored a single point in his first two starts for the team, was awarded this week's game ball after scoring two TDs.

Barber running away with his second game ball

Week 12: For only the second time in 10 games, the Kodiak Bears defeated the Cereal Kilurz this week, 64.5-55.  The Kilurz remain just 1.5 games back in their division, but they are now mathematically eliminated from making the playoffs. The Kilurz had a number of opportunities to win this week, but it obviously wasn't meant to be. James Thrash (3) caught what appeared to be a TD, but the officials ruled him down a few inches shy of the end zone and the play was not challenged. Edgerrin James (11) came out of his game for a single play so his backup could walk into the end zone and score an easy one yard TD. Even Jason Elam (1) missed an Extra Point attempt, his first miss since 1993. Despite all these excuses to choose from, Coach Mark Petrillo said he blames no one but himself. "All week long I said Kurt (Warner) was our starter, but at the last minute I went with Brunell. That little move cost us 7 points right there."  Amani Toomer (11) scored a TD for the third week in a row, but it was a teammate of his who was awarded this week's game ball.  Tiki Barber (12) rushed for 146 yards and scored his fourth TD in his fourth game with the Kilurz.

Gonzo grabbing a game ball

Week 13: Poor coaching and a number of tough breaks led to another Cereal Kilurz loss this week, as the team was defeated by their arch-nemesis, the Second Half Slide by a score of 48-44.5  Historically, Drew Ciesielka's Slide have dominated the Kilurz, winning 7 of the teams' 10 meetings.  The Kilurz 4-9 record not only guarantees them their first sub .500 season, but there's a good chance they will be making their first EFFL Toilet Bowl appearance as well.  "We need to win next week and we need the Strawmakers to lose," explained Coach Mark Petrillo.  "Otherwise, we'll be seeing the Badville Chaunceys in the Toilet Bowl.  Ugh."  The Kilurz had plenty of opportunities to win this week, but yet again, they couldn't get a break.  It was like deja vu when Edgerrin James (3) left his game so his backup, James Mungro, could score an easy TD for the second week in a row.  James Thrash (0) was also robbed of a TD for the second straight week, after a pass he caught in the end zone was called back because of an unrelated holding penalty.  And just like last week, Petrillo started the wrong QB, this week going with Kurt Warner (-2) and his broken hand over Mark Brunell (12).  Even starting Drew Brees (4) would have been enough of a boost in points for the Kilurz to win.  On the bright side, Tiki Barber (9) scored his fifth TD in five weeks with the team, and with his $4 salary, he is looking like a great carryover player.  Petrillo gave Tony Gonzalez (13) this week's game ball after he racked up 74 yards and a score.

Barber diving for yet another TD

Week 14: The Cereal Kilurz won the final game of the EFFL regular season, but unfortunately, their 5-9 record is still poor enough to send them into next week's Toilet Bowl.  The Kilurz were just 4 Randy McMichael yards from escaping the humiliation of the Loser Bowl, but like the rest of the season, close wasn't good enough.  The clearly incompetence Todd Connelly, Head Coach of the TECtonic Movement, started the injured Ahman Green this week, which caused his team to tie the Strawmakers.  Had Connelly benched Green for one of his other RBs, the Strawmakers would have lost and would have taken the Kilurz place in the Toilet.  The Kilurz 685 points scored this year was their worst in team history, 339 points less than the EFFL record 1024 they scored in 2000.  Amani Toomer (9) scored his fourth TD in his past five games, but once again, teammate Tiki Barber (10) edged him out for the weekly game ball.  Barber scored his sixth TD in his sixth game as a Kilurz, giving him a total of 68 points since he joined the team.  In the seven games before he was traded to the Kilurz, Barber scored just 40 points.  "What can I say?" asked Barber, rhetorically.  "I really love it here, and I've played my heart out for this team.  I just hope (Kilurz owner Mark) Petrillo brings me back next season."  Petrillo made no official comment on the situation, but insiders says Barber is virtually a lock to be on the team in 2003.

Barber breaking a tackle and running away with yet another game ball

Toilet Bowl: "Because I'm an idiot."  That's all Coach Mark Petrillo initially had to say when asked why his team lost the 2002 Toilet Bowl, repeating the First-to-Worst performance of 2000 Superbowl winner and 2001 Toilet Bowl loser Kong.  "I don't know what the hell happened," Petrillo went on to explain after the humiliating defeat.  "All week long, I planned to start Brunell.  I have NO IDEA how Joey (Harrington) got into the lineup.  Believe me, no one was as surprised as me when that kid took the field.  I mean, come on guys, give me some credit here.  Do you really think I would start some rookie QB against the league's best defense (Tampa Bay) over a seasoned veteran who was up against the worst team in the league (the 1-14 Cincinnati Bengals)?  That little goof-up cost us 19 points.  And yes, we lost by 17."  Rumors of the cause of the now infamous "goof-up" were running rampant throughout the internet seemingly as soon as Harrington (0) took the field.  Most conspiracy web sites suggested foul play, but when pressed for his opinion on the matter, Petrillo declined to comment.  EFFL commissioner Mark Saylor wasn't so shy.  "Honestly, I think (Kong Coach Mark) Proper was behind this.  We all know he has absolutely no fantasy football coaching abilities, but he is quite the computer geek.  And he has more motive than anyone else, not wanting to be the only First to Worst team in the EFFL.  Yup, my money says he hacked into the system and made the lineup switch."  As of press time, there was no official response from the Kong camp, but a source close to the team who asked not to be identified stated, "Don't listen to that jackass, Saylor.  He's just trying to cause trouble, in hopes of diverting attention from his team now that they got their asses handed to them by the joke of the playoffs, the Second Half Slide."  With Harrington (0), T.J. Duckett (0) and James Thrash (0) getting shut out this week, it wasn't much of a surprise when Tiki Barber (12) was awarded his fourth game ball of the season.  Barber scored his seventh TD in just his seventh game with the team, despite being replaced by Kilurz bench warmer Ron Dayne (16) once the Giants game got out of hand.

Vick

Vick Named 2002 Team MVP: Cereal Kilurz General Manager Mark Petrillo named Michael Vick the 2002 Cereal Kilurz MVP today.  In only seven full games with the Kilurz (he was on bye one week and injured for two more), Vick was awarded five game balls.  He was absolutely dominating at the QB position, but because he was in the last year of his contract with the team, Petrillo traded him for carryovers after Week 10.  Until the trade, Vick had never played for a team other than the Kilurz.  He was drafted by Petrillo in 2001 for a mere $4 and offered a one year contract extension before this season.  "My only mistake was not signing Mike to a longer contract.  I knew he'd be good, but had I known he'd be this good, I would have signed him to a 3 or 4 year deal.  If I could go back and do it all over again, I would have locked him up through 2004 for $19 without hesitation."